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Im No Good At Being Brave ... Not Even On The Better Days [entries|friends|calendar]

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[17 Oct 2007|05:06pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I'm far too bitter.
I let things still bother me from months or even years ago.

I rarley let things go...and with one stupid bulletin I'm back to square one.

How fucked up can ya be?

The world may never know..

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Don't Let This Entry Bore You. [09 Apr 2007|11:43pm]
[ mood | confused ]

...I wish friends could be like LJ. Just pick up right where you left off. Who cares if it's been 6 months since I talked to you last. It's all good baby, it's all good. But I know, life doesn't work like that. you have to work at every relationship you have; it needs attention, love, and communication to grow. Sometimes, I can't get all 3 together and I'm very sorry.

Life's in the blender again and I just....uh!

I'm constantly torn between the life I want and the life I have. Living in palm desert has been the best experience of my life. though I've fallen a few times, I've still gotten up and made it through. I'm becoming more and more of an adult with each passing day, but with one phone call it all comes crashing down.

Families always know just what to say to make you feel like SHIT, it's an art. And my family, Picasso's! I'm tellin you. No matter how much time I spend with them, its not enough. I can't make them happy, but I figured that out when I was 4; did I just forget? I can't just cut them out, my family's not like yours we're tight.......like SUPER tight and it's annoying. I just need more understanding.

I'm going out of my mind. Hence this scatty entry.

I met a boy, but I just don't know. I'm a big talker and he's more of a jokester. He hides his feelings with humor and I can't crack him. I wanna be closer, but he's just so insecure that I can't get very much out. Granted, it's only been like a month and we're just "talking" but still I wanna know MORE. We text mostly, and I ask "hows ur day" normal response "pretty good." Is it wrong to expect some elaboration?! to me a short answer like that means you don't wanna talk. He knows he has a problem, but how do I crack someone who doesn't give???

I haven't seen some of my friends in months, and I honestly am sorry and I miss each and everyone of you dearly. This has been a tough few months, please have some understanding b/c I'm sure you're going through a lot as well. Thankfully through myspace I can keep tabs. I do love you, I do check up on you, so don't forget about me :)

Much love

The Distant Bitch.

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[29 Nov 2006|06:17pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Why do i only read everyone else's entries and never actually update my own. Lazy i guess.

Any who, 22nd b-day's comin up and I couldnt care less. I didnt even wanna make plans, but figured i'd regret it later so I planned a party at my new apartment in palm Desert.

Hopefully everyone shows, cuz if it ends up like last year where everyone showed up hella late or not at all i'll be crushed and never ever plan another birthday!

Don't let me down people.

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[01 Jun 2006|11:45am]
Comment with your name, (unless I hate you) and...
01. I'll respond with something random about you.
02. I'll challenge you to try something.
03. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
04. I'll tell you something I like about you.
05. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
06. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
08. If I do this for you, you must post this on your LJ.

freakin Laurie...
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I lied..... [12 Apr 2006|01:20pm]
[ mood | @ myself ]

I'm not fucking over it



I don't know how to handle this... [30 Sep 2005|09:12am]
[ mood | crushed ]

So many emotions.

So much confusion.

I feel alone.


[31 Jul 2005|02:08pm]
[ mood | Working sucks sometimes ]

List 6 of your favorite songs of the moment in your own lj and then tag 6 others to do the same.

1. Stevie Nicks- "Edge of Seventeen"
2. Gorillaz- "Dirty Harry"
3. The Black Eyed Peas- "Disco Club"
4. Hawthorne Hieghts- "Ohio is for lovers"
5. Missy Elliot- "Lose Control"
6. Fall Out Boy- "Nobody puts baby in the corner"

These People Should Do This!
1. accessories (or whateva Gina's new LJ is)
2. faithxinxme
3. malibu2000
4. mercmenace
5. radioloser
6. Whoever the crap wants to.....JUST DO IT!


[07 Jul 2005|11:03am]
[ mood | crazy ]

So wear me like a locket around your throat
I'll weigh you down, I'll watch you choke
You look so good in blue....

You look so good in blue

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[08 Jun 2005|07:13pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Last night I had a realization.

I found out I actually do love my father.

The problem is, he doesn't love me....

He came home last night from my uncle's house and my mother asked him if the family was smoking around him and he just said "yeah" like it was no big deal. She then proceeded to ask him if he was smoking, and he laughs. Something just came over me and I started crying and screamed at him "What do you wanna fuckin die?!?!?!! cuz that's where it's gonna lead ya" And I just began to hysterically cry, maybe i'm insane or maybe I love him more then I thought.

I myself smoke, and yeah it's bad but I'm not a 58 year old man who just had a heart attack like 7 months ago. Smoking WILL kill him and he just laughs......what a fucker!!

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[29 May 2005|10:22pm]
[ mood | hot ]

Sometimes life just overwhelms me, and not in the good way.

I saw a movie the other day and kinda cried over something stupid. I sat back and thought to myself, "man you're kind of a loser."

When you're talking shit to yourself, you know you're in trouble....

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Dear Jesus WHY?!? [15 May 2005|12:40pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I'm going to hell for sure, but right this second I don't give a fuck.

I wish he would have died, b/c maybe then I'd have some kind of peace with it. Rather, I have a daily remeberance of things I don't have and it's only gonna get worse.

He only cares about himself and his computer. FUCKIN ASSHOLE!

I hate you
I hate you
I FUCKIN hate you

Don't talk to me today, it's not gonna be pretty!


[12 May 2005|02:06pm]
[ mood | aburrido ]

1. I'm obsessed with Ryan Reynolds
2. I'm also obsessed with my cell phone, I mean HELLO I work for Cingular Wireless!!
3. I enjoy spending time alone
4. I think Dane Cook is a genius
5. I have my own language
6. I love beer
7. All my life i've gotten along way better with guys
8. I very rarley cry
9. I'm a loser magnet
10. My family is the most important thing to me

1. new york
2. nevada
3. Cali, of course
4. And sadly that's it...

1. Impact the world
2. Get married
3. have kids
4. jump out of a plane
5. find my hidden talent
6. learn spanish
7. travel the world
8. find happiness

1. Be sweet
2. not being afraid to be vulnerable
3. honesty
4. having intrest in things i enjoy
5. win over my family
6. just be yourself
7. support me always

1. Boys can become Men
2. Sex is not everything in a relationship
3. Aliens
4. Ghosts
5. Humans will destory ourselves
6. Everyone wants something beautiful, so it is all about looks. in the beginning anywayz...

1. Being alone
2. Death
3. bugs of any kind
4. becoming a vegetable
5. choosing the wrong mate

1. My Brand New Scion TC :D
2. My Cell Phone
3. Every CD I own
4. Make Up

1. Cell Phone
2. My Car
3. The Computer

1. Be bored, which is fuckin hard
2. Think about my long, traffic filled drive home

1. Any One of my friends, I miss them oh so much.

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I need to get my priorities straight [24 Apr 2005|11:30pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Sleep is the one thing in this world that is totally underrated. Oh yeah and Phantom Planet, but just those two.

Actually those two things I need a whole lot more of in my life. And a little love would be nice, but then again love is overrated....

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[18 Apr 2005|05:29pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Hey, do me a favor....fall over and DIE already!

Well, I officially hate my job. I've just had continuous problems with them. I mean don't get me wrong I <3 the people I work with and the job itself is cool it's just all the details that are bullshit. So, first problem is....I haven't been paid yet. Been there almost 3 weeks and haven't received a check yet. It's a whole thing with having login codes and having a cingular e-mail address and being hired in the middle of a pay period, so yeah. But I should be gettin the check in a few days but still that's BULLSHIT that i haven't gotten anything yet! Then today was just great.

Problem two....I was set up to go to training in Irvine. It's a whole thing that cingular employees have to go through. I know how to do my job, but i still have to go to this two week training bs. So I show up before 8:30am cuz I was told it starts at 8:30 and goes till 5:30p m-f. No No, apparently mondays it starts @ 10am and goes till 7 pm. So I go back to my sister's place (which was like 6 mins from the cingular store) and had some breakfast; since I had liek an hour and a 1/2 before the class started. Then went back to the training, went to sign in on the sheet and guess fuckin what?!? my name wasn't on the roster!!! After a few calls and 10 mins pass by, I end up being sent home b/c my manager never enrolled me in the class. stupid assholes. I packed my bags, missed hobo jazz last night, woke up early, and stayed the night at my sister's just for them to say "yeah jk go home"! They really need to get their shit together cuz I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's just been sucha hassle today and I'm not a happy camper.

But on a positive note, got to spend the whole day with my sister and I'm getting paid mileage out here and I think i'm still getting paid for an 8 hour day cuz they fucked up.

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$2.36 + No Pay Check = Broke Ass Bitch! [16 Apr 2005|06:37pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I am so going to implode one day. Fuck, I can't wait for that day!!


Dammit.... [29 Mar 2005|01:42pm]
[ mood | confused ]

...Why'd I let him back in?!?!

"Pretty Girl (The Way)"

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

Pretty girl, pretty girl

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love


I Constantly Wonder..... [28 Feb 2005|11:59am]
[ mood | blah ]

.....What the FUCK am I doing with my life?!?!?

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[24 Feb 2005|10:39pm]
[ mood | sick ]

If you checked my latest myspace BLOG you've already read this. If not here ya go:

Restless nights are starting to get to me. I begin to worry about idiotic things I have no control over. I cry about having no purpose, direction, or even no reason to get out of bed. Life's becoming an endless cycle of annoyance and disappointment; I HATE it! Can not having a job really have this much of an affect on me? Or are there underlying factors that I'm missing?

I question everything about myself lately, and over analyzing myself is scary. I'm reflecting, trying to look deeper. But what if there is nothing deeper? what if this is it?! What if this never gets better? what if I end up like them? Can I be independent? Too many questions and not enough answers.

On top of everything this sickness is creeping up on me and I don't think I can fight it off anymore. Maybe I should just give in, let it consume me. Maybe it'll cause my body to slowly decay and I can go quietly and finally achieve "the eternal shut up". Or maybe it'll pass right by me and I'll feel 100% better. Either way things are looking bleak.

Can you die from a sore throat? God I hope so....

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Death To St. Valentine [14 Feb 2005|04:48pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Everyone talks about being a whore. They say they're young now so why not get "Ho-tastic" while they still can? But what's strange to me is that I've never had that kind of a thought process. I've never wanted to date three guys at once, or just have casual sex with a hot guy; what I look forward to is getting married.

I dunno it may be this queer holiday or all the chick flicks I watch getting to me, but I honestly wanna meet someone special and just be with him. I look down on whores and don't understand their thought process at all, I don't mean to judge but WTF?!?

Pointless Journal, just had a thought and figured I'd try to work it out. I'm crazy so just ignore me :)

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I'm Obsessed With Hobo Jazz, Or Maybe Just One Hobo In Particular ;)~ [08 Feb 2005|10:20pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Do you ever feel like you're missing something, even though you have everything? I do sometimes, I feel like I've left something behind. Maybe it's my mind, maybe it's my heart. Who knows? I could quite possibly just be insane.

I miss kisses.
I miss hugs.
and most of all I miss the closeness.

I'm dreading valentines's day oh so much. I know how i'd love to spend the day, but I'm never that lucky. So, I hope I can spend it drunk with other bitter singles. I'm not usually a drinker, but honestly on that kinda day it's a must have for any bitter person.

And yes I'm fuckin bitter. I'm bitter that you met someone. I'm bitter that I am no longer your number one. and most of all I'm bitter cuz I'll never have you....

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